Wednesday, June 13, 2007

marking time

I am on a countdown to retirement.

In 27 minutes (less by the time this posts) I will lock up my office and go home for the day. Tomorrow I get oral surgery (ouch) that will keep me out sick for two days. I'll have a four-day weekend, hopefully with good drugs for my jaw, then go back to work on Monday. And Tuesday. And .91 of Wednesday.

By this time next week, I will be RETIRED from the University of Delaware after 28 years.

Waiting is always an experience to put one in mind of eternity. Eternity of limbo, not heaven. Eternity when nothing changes, when you make no plans, take no actions, no new initiatives, barely eat, drink bad coffee if you're at a hospital where so much waiting takes place.

Waiting is a wildly successful trap for the fool that lives in each of us. In this type of waiting there is no future, no past, but one does not actually live in the present.

Instead, you vegetate. Withdraw from connections to the three-dimensional world (which is not my forte) and withdraw from the world of the mind, the spirit and the imagination. And you wait. In my case, I'm waiting for a predictable outcome that is also very much desired and welcomed.

So if I die tonight, what will have been the use of all this stasis?

My therapist says it's normal to shut down at retirement, when you're leaving your routine after a long period of work that has been both happy and notso.

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