Saturday, March 31, 2007

Late have I loved Thee

Still spinning my wheels and sulking, but maybe on the mend. Maybe ready to kick out the personal demons who have been partying in my heart. Earlier this afternoon I took a nap, more like I took my depression to unconsciousness by burying myself in covers and reading in front of the tv until I fell to sleep. I had an apocalyptic dream where the floods were coming again to destroy the earth, and in the sky I saw a magnificent white horse materialize and knew that Christ was about to materialize in shining armor (looking sort of like Dr. Who in that video I posted)--- then things molted and I saw the Michaelangelo-esque God of the Old Testament as a huge white-gray cloud formation, holding the tablets of the 10 commandments and looking stern. He looked so remote but I kept staring at Him wanting some recognition. Finally He looked down at me and gave me a wink-smile, very intimate, then froze back into White-and-Gray-Bearded Almighty mode, stern again. I willed him to look down at me again but he would not, and I was frustrated that even in my lucid dream world, where I myself create and destroy reality, I couldn't make Him do what I wanted.

The movie "The Island" was playing in the background as I was dreaming, and I came to consciousness with the urgency of human clones being treated as disposable "product" ringing in my ears. This dovetailed with my anger that the cloning bill in Delaware passed the Senate 12-7 on Thursday. Now it goes to the House.

I went to my sister Marguerite's and we drove out to White Clay Creek State Park and walked along the bank of the creek. We were both in need of venting. As I vented, I realized that the reason I can't pray or go to Mass is that I'm ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY at the pro-cloning folks, and I am wallowing in my anger. Or at least, I am refusing to do what I need to do to suck it up and follow the leader who said love your enemies. It's my own personal demon. I'm angry because they disregard me because I am not cool, not with it. Marguerite and I (and all the D'Orazio siblings, in some way shape or form) have always struggled with being Not Cool. People like us because we're cool to a point -- but then we've got this stubborn refusal to be conventional, and it looks like we're snotty, and often we are, but ... but ... but ...

So I realized on my walk that I'm avoiding God, because I don't want to stop fighting my personal demons. Pfui on that.

So I started browsing St. Blog's Parish and ran across a new blog called Until the Sugar Melts. Its young author, who calls herself Eudamonia, moved me with her Part 3 of the story of how she became Catholic with great joy at the Easter Vigil, but lost her faith and hope due to loneliness and depression and inability to find a faith community, but then eventually realized she couldn't keep away.

All of this is just to preface my posting of St. Augustine's beautiful prayer, which Eudaimonia posted under the subject title "More meaningful than ever..." And I so agree:

"Late have I loved Thee, O Beauty so ancient and so new, late have I loved Thee!

And, behold, Thou wert within me and I myself on the outside, and it was there that I sought Thee.

And into those lovely things, which Thou madest,

All unlovely did I rush.

Thou wert with me, but I was not with Thee.

Those things kept me far from Thee, things that would not exist, unless they were in Thee.

Thou didst call, and shout, and shatter my deafness:

Thou didst sparkle, and shine, and dispel my blindness:

Thou sentest forth Thy fragrance, and I breathed deeply, and now I sigh for Thee:

I tasted, and now do hunger and thirst:

Thou didst touch me, and I burned for Thy peace."

-St. Augustine

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