Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Taking the time to explore my options.

The last two years have been unsettling to me. My health is poor, my psyche careens wildly on a roller coaster of emotion, and my goals for the future keep changing all the time. I wound up in the ER for a spike in blood pressure a couple of weeks ago; my slipped discs, arthritic hip and arthritic knee make walking difficult; I eat too much and exercise too little; at work I incurred the wrath of folks who like their Catholics spineless; at home one of my offspring battles acute depression while another one struggles with the heartbreaking challenge of a brain-injured newborn; my inner life feels like a seed that has sprouted a bit and is close to poking through the dirt to fresh air, sunshine and a world of light.

So how do I expose this struggling seedling to the water, air, sunshine and nutrient soil that it needs most?

I don't know. In two years I won't need the tuition remission benefits of my job at the University of Delaware. Judy Willets says I should work between now and then on my goals for my post-retirement life. I had all these ambitions having to do with literature and culture, but now I just want to BE. BE HERE NOW like that guy who changed his name to Ram Dass used to say. GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY BREAD.

I'm on vacation until Monday. Is there a way I can keep working and find the time and the discipline to heal? I don't want a stroke before I'm 60. I don't want to walk with a cane. I'd like to embrace a slower pace of life.

I need to take the cure. How can I do this while I am working? St. Joseph, patron of workers, pray for me. Anybody out there reading this, offer a prayer for me. That I might know who I am and do what I am meant to do.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

rae: i will familiarize myself with flylady, as i have plenty of CHAOS in my life. and de-cluttering will be so liberating....

you strike me as remarkable and strong and fascinating. i'm sure that what you're meant to do will all fall into place. you and i are the same age. i, too, feel the unsettledness that has set in over the last few years. i can only offer my empathy and hope.....