Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Back to the title... Confessions of a Cooperator

Confessions of a Cooperator... alright, then, what am I cooperating in? What have I to confess?

I am cooperating in Fr. Alberione's vision of a group of men and women dedicated like St. Paul to telling the people of this age about the now-old but in truth always new "evangelion" of Jesus the Christ, Way, Truth and Life.

What have I to confess? The rubber band effect has flung me completely back into the old world/old skin/old man -- this is the point in time at which I completely abandon any attempt at putting on the new man. Depression has settled on me like the old unwelcome enemy (not friend) who dogs my steps at every turn, disconnecting me from every person and every tie that binds me to my life. I am unmoored. Physical weights like huge boulders press on my chest, physical pain from my back and legs saps my energy, the color leaches out of the universe and all I want to do is curl up in my bed and await... whatever comes along to break it.

Mental illness is not a blessing, but is it a textbook that accompanies my education in Jesus Way, Truth and Life? There's never any talking myself out of it, the only course is to hang on until it goes away. I might, this time, try not to put any false gods before me as I wait out the numbing winter in my soul, mind and heart. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

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